*Note: This article was originally written for my monthly linkups, which I've archived as it was taking too much out of me. However, I've kept most of the posts written as I realise it's much like a diary with memories that make me nostalgic or smile. I hope you enjoy reading them, too! š
It's Been a Tiring Year with Chronic Illness ā and We're Not Even Done with the First Quarter
Itās been a tough year for me so far, especially in March. None of my monthly goals have been met, ironically due to ānormal peopleā sicknesses, i.e. bronchitis and dengue fever. Iāve mostly been bed bound, drained, and weāre only into the first quarter. There is a tiredness in my soul; weights thrown into the stagnant pool of my heart over the years, going nowhere.
*Disclaimer: This article is meant for educational purposes, and is based on my personal experiences as a patient. I am not a doctor, and nothing in this article should be substituted for medical advice. Please consult your own doctor before changing or adding any new treatment protocols. This post may also contain affiliate links. It will cost you nothing to click on them. I will get a small referral fee from purchases you make, which helps with the maintenance of this blog. Read our Privacy Policy page for more information. Thank you!
Muggle Sickness Adds Another Layer of Pain
When you get ānormalā sicknesses on top of your āregularā daily chronic pains, life can feel like a chore in itself. Like rotten garnishing to your usual stew of issues. Getting out of bed now takes not just double the effort, but triple, maybe more. Falling asleep takes just as much effort, and can be worse due to the spikes in inflammation that comes with the night.
When you only need to deal with acute illness for a short period of time, itās easy to persevere through the pain, knowing that thereās an end in sight. But there is no bright horizon or happily ever after with chronic illness, although yes some people do achieve remission and there are bouts of brief relief. I know that Iām not the only one out there whoās tired, and continue to find existence tiring at times. Do you feel this way sometimes as well, living with chronic illness?
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Self-Education is Never a Bad Thing
I have been on pause from my web development work for so long that the scene has completely shifted by now. Of all the industries out there, itās one of the fastest to change. I suppose thatās both a good and bad thing. If I miss years of it, I donāt even have to bother catching up on the āin betweensā; I simply jump to the latest programming languages and best practices.
At first I thought that if I blogged hard enough, perhaps I could get a job as a blogger or a writer at an office. But at this point in time, I think brushing up my existing coding skills, no matter how crummy or outdated they are, is for the best as well. Thereās no harm in a knowledge upgrade, and with the need to constantly work from home, I am grateful that these skills are still usable.
I do need to learn new ways of doing things however, so thereās still tons of stuff left for me to self-learn, get comfortable with, and then work on. Iāve already put a client on hold for more than a month due to poor health and hospitalisation, and I feel terrible for messing up their timeline. Whilst theyāre kind and understanding, I still have a responsibility to fulfil, having committed to it.
Getting Older with Another Birthday, but Grateful for Many Good Memories
Itās my birthday month, but I donāt feel in the least bit celebratory. As mentioned above, this tiredness pervades other aspects of your life. I canāt even be bothered to organise anything for myself, even with the usual caveat of āsee how my health is!ā. I never thought that Iād be one of those women whoād start dreading each passing year that goes by in her thirties, but when your health doesnāt look to be on the mend at all, it gets a tad depressing.
Having said that, something ātraditionalā like attending a beautiful orchestra and dinner would be nice. Soothing music and good food - canāt go too wrong, I think? (Thereās always that question mark with chronic illness, unfortunately.) But hey, such pleasures can be enjoyed any other time too, right? I know that Iām lucky that I can even consider such options.
Iāve received quite a few surprise birthday parties over the years, thanks to thoughtful friends who wanted to cheer me up. Theyāve led me to the beach, showed up at my door (whilst I looked like a mess!), and gave the most thoughtful presents ever (and I never use the word āeverā unless itās really 'ever'!). No matter how my life progresses or regresses, these are precious memories that I will forever hold dear in my heart, even if many of these friends arenāt close ones anymore.
I Don't Have Much to Give for Now, No Thanks to Depression
I admit that I donāt have much to give at the moment, seeing how the yearās been going thus far. My blog has been quiet, and Iāve only been touching up some pieces from the archives that I feel might still be useful reads.
I hope that my enthusiasm for blogging and writing returns soon, or at least the writing bit. It was a cathartic process for me, and my number one joy. Perhaps I have sunk into a state of further depression, if even my favourite things arenāt bringing me joy anymore.
Iāll be seeing my psychiatrist this month, and I should check in with her I suppose. I am already on all sorts of medications however, and it frustrates me whenever I need to add on to the toxic load.
The Need to Quiet Down and Heal in April
April is going to be a quiet one for me I suppose. No expectations, no goals, no pressure. I just want to let go, lie in bed (that would be the third month in a row butā¦), and heal my body with gentleness. Whilst Iāll need to work on some jobs Iāve committed to, I know I just need to be as still and silent as I possibly can for the rest of the time.
I donāt Netflix and chill all that much, but maybe I should finish the entire Hannibal series whilst enjoying a few squares of dark chocolate, with some tea or whiskey (just a tiny bit!).
I want to say that Iād like to read more books, but that might insidiously be adding pressure on myself. Even good pressure feels heavy for me this month. What I know I must do, is lay my head down, and simply be still.
Thank you for reading my April thoughts š To continue with my diary entry series, you can read last month's or next month's entry.
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Laura
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Sheryl Chan
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Rhiann
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Sheryl Chan
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Alison
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Sheryl Chan
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Emma (Not Just Tired)
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Sheryl Chan
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Nikki Michelle Albert
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Sheryl Chan
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Ava Meena
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Sheryl Chan
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Anne
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Sheryl Chan
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JacQueline Roe
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Sheryl Chan
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Maya
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Emma (Not Just Tired)
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Sheryl Chan
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Niamh Kane
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Sheryl Chan
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Selina
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Sheryl Chan
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Despite Pain
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Sheryl Chan
Start a new conversation in the Member Comments below!Awww Sheryl, Iāve seen how trying a year you have had so far on social media. Such rotten luck to get all the ānormal peopleā illnesses to. I really think we should have an exemption card from them. I hope April brought you the quiet time that you needed as you are such a giving person, you deserve a break xx
Hi Laura, thanks so much for your kind words and compassion š April was a great recharge month for me, so seems like writing my loose thoughts and plans for the month with these prompts do have some benefits from time to time ;p I hope youāre having a fab month! x
Happy April, dear Sheryl.
I am sorry to hear that it has been a really difficult time for you. I hope that you, like many, also living with a chronic illness that this month allows you some quiet time to allow you to recharge and recuperate. And that you are able to enjoy some chocolate and time with loved ones during the Easter celebrations.
And also wishing you a very Happy Birthday month, I hope that you are able to enjoy the day and are able to do something special to celebrate in whatever capacity you are able to do so.
Best wishes
Rhiann
Thanks Rhiann! I like the idea of birthday monthā¦it means I still have some time to enjoy it even more :p I am actually doing much better now, so Iām glad.
Happy Easter to you too, and lots of chocolate happiness! š x
Hi Sheryl,
Thank you for sharing! I love your posts and your prompts and have been enjoying writing to them. Iām so sorry youāve been having such a rough time healthwise, and empathize. I spent the fall and winter sick more frequently than usual myself, and I totally understand that feeling ofāmaybe Iāll just take a nap for a few daysā. Being chronically ill(especially the frustration of getting āmuggle sickā on top of our usual symptoms) is just exhausting, and it feels like healing takes forever. You are strong, and you are getting through it. The most important thing is to keep listening to your body and not pushing too hard- and yes I know that that feels so hard especially when you value busy-ness and accomplishments ā itās something Iām still working on too! I do believe in you, and I hope that things get easier soon!
Hi Alison, thanks for your kind words and encouragement! Iām doing much better actually, just trying to maintain it! š I hope youāve been doing better these days yourself. Yea the need for long amounts of rest can be frustrating as it feels not just like a road block, but like youāre holding people around you up as well. It really is a daily practice of being mindful about the emotional aspects that are bound to be attached to that as well (really a self reminder here ;)). Sending hugs!
Awww Sheryl. This made me cry. Iām so so sorry you are having such a rotten, crappy time. Itās just not fair sometimes. I hope you can rest it out. I think a quiet time, with no pressure, no expectations, no nothing unless you feel like it sounds perfect right now. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It will pass, I know it will. Iāve had to quieten off on blogging etc lately, which of course massively frustrates me, but maybe it frees up space for other things. Or at least a quieter mind and head space for new possibilities ahead ā if that makes sense! You do such wonderful work for the chronic illness community and so many of us look up to you. Donāt give yourself a hard time about anything. Youāre amazing! Sorry for the waffle, you just touched a chord in me. Lots of love and healing vibes, Emma xxx
PS wishing you a happy, peaceful birthday x
Reply
Thank you so much Emma. That message really comforted and encouraged me š Please donāt cry! It really isnāt as bad as it sounds ā for example I had a great day today š I wrote this entry on a rather depressing day though, so I guess it compressed everything into it. Though yes, it hasnāt been a fab year so far, Iām still doing decent enough š
Yea taking a break from blogging frustrates me too. I enjoy it, but it also takes a lot of effort and energy. Hopefully the space and quieting down for a bit will recharge everything though. I feel a bit like an old battery; I do take much longer to regenerate than everyone else around me š
Thank you for your well wishes. I hope you are doing well yourself. Sending lots of love! xxx
It is my birthday month as well! Although it will be a mellow month.
Nice! Which date is it? š Itāll be a mellow month (maybe yearā¦) for me too.
Iām sorry to hear about all these regular sicknesses bringing you down. š Iāve had a cold lately and can hardly find energy to do anything, but your acute illnesses are more serious. Hope you have lots of rest and healing and that you can enjoy some of the rest. š
Thanks for your kind words, Ava š A cold is nothing to be trifled with when you deal with other chronic illnesses tooā¦I know what it feels like :/ I hope you manage to squeeze in spots of rest and self-care into your mum life as well! x
Iām so sorry to hear that you have had so much to deal with on top of everything else. I hope a quiet month will help restore you a little more. x
Thank you, Anne. Iām sure it will help, although there will be some unhappy people, failed goals and disappointments. But as it goes, without good health, nothingās good, hey? Sending you good thoughts too! x
Sheryl, I feel like after all these months of reading your blogs and following you online that you are a friend. I hate to hear that you are struggling so much. Please know that you are in my prayers. I hope that the rest you receive will heal your body, but I also pray that you get some enjoyment of time with people who love you. I have recently discovered an odd love for podcasts and audio books. I can rest my eyes and set the soothing voices on a low volume so that even on painful, low-energy days, I am still able to think, process, and be inspired. This may or may not be useful for you, but I thought I would mention it in case it does help. Hope to hear you are feeling better, soon!
Hi Jacqueline, thanks so much for your kind word and prayers š I am doing okay, itās just that some days/weeks get you really, really down. I wrote my April entry on a really depressing day, heh.
I am happy to hear that podcasts and audiobooks are helpful for you! Iāve tried but they arenāt my cup of tea, although Iāve been engrossed in my Kindle of late in a book that would be too heavy/thick to read comfortably, so I guess thatās my distraction for now š
Sending you lots of good thoughts, too!
Iām sorry that you havenāt been feeling well. 2019 has been rough for me as well, although March was a bit better. I love these prompts ā especially quieting. Itās something I need to work on a bit more, both in my external environment as well as my brain.
Also, happy birthday!!
Awww Sheryl. This made me cry. Iām so so sorry you are having such a rotten, crappy time. Itās just not fair sometimes. I hope you can rest it out. I think a quiet time, with no pressure, no expectations, no nothing unless you feel like it sounds perfect right now. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It will pass, I know it will. Iāve had to quieten off on blogging etc lately, which of course massively frustrates me, but maybe it frees up space for other things. Or at least a quieter mind and head space for new possibilities ahead ā if that makes sense! You do such wonderful work for the chronic illness community and so many of us look up to you. Donāt give yourself a hard time about anything. Youāre amazing! Sorry for the waffle, you just touched a chord in me. Lots of love and healing vibes, Emma xxx
PS wishing you a happy, peaceful birthday x
Hi Maya, Iām sorry to hear that 2019 hasnāt been too nice to you, either :/ Surprisingly people seem to quite like this monthās prompts ā I thought they might be tough ones to write about! I am always surprised, in that sense š
I too, need to work on quieting my external and internal environments, and listen to what Iām really saying to myself.
Thanks for continuing to give us the linkup opportunity while your health is undergoing so many processes of illness and healing. I think your Netflix and chill with whiskey plan is a keeper. Anyway its medicinal whiskey. I am sorry to hear youāve been battling all those curveballs I hope the rest and your birthday orchestra fill your heart to the brim. Take care! Niamh xx
Aww, thanks Niamh! I do wonder every month, āwill I make it in time to release next monthās prompts?!ā. But the backup plan anyway will probably be to release them anyway, without sharing my own experience if the month gets real bad š
Yea, curveballs are no fun, but they keep life āinterestingā I guess. And I like your perspective of medicinal whiskey š We all need breaks from different parts of life from time to time I suppose. I hope you are coping well yourself x
So sorry for all the extra illness youāve been going through. It just stinks when more piles on you. Hoping your time of rest will help your body recover and bring renewed strength and hope. Thinking of you!
Hi Selina, thank you. Am rest extra rest time will help, and it does happen to us all unfortunately hey! Letās hope the year gets more awesome for us all from here on š
Youāve had such a difficult time recently, Sheryl. I hope that April does bring some quiet time so you can recharge your batteries. Take care of yourself.
Thank you Liz. Itās been trying, Iād say, therefore the need for even more (endless heh) rest! Letās hope we all gain more health and energy as the year goes on š