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# Disability and Sex: Disabled People are Not Automatically Bad Sexual or Romantic Partners
- URL: https://achronicvoice.com/disability-and-sex/
- Published: 2021-04-13T10:16:48.000Z
- Updated: 2025-10-25T14:16:08.000Z
- Author: Sheryl Chan
- Tags: Relationships, Disability, Chronic Illness
## Not Your Everyday Email Request – Writing About Disability and Sex
Amidst the dozens of emails I receive a day for blog related stuff, one stood out the other day. It asked if I was interested in writing a post for their blog on disability and sex. I was highly suspicious at first, as it was from a porn site, Lustery.
Was it legitimate or risky? But after doing some research on their website, I decided to say 'yes'. They seemed truly passionate about raising awareness on disability and sex, and it didn't seem like a scam at all. It is also a highly stigmatised but important topic that needs to be addressed in society.
According to Hussein and Ferguson (2019):
> "[Stigma and discrimination can be real or perceived](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/26410397.2019.1697103), with important implications for the health of populations, including the delivery of sexual and reproductive health care, making these obstacles critical public health concerns."
*\*Disclaimer: This article is meant for educational purposes, and is based on my personal experiences as a patient. Whilst I have done my utmost to be meticulous in research, *I am not a doctor, and nothing in this article should be substituted for medical advice.* Please consult your own doctor before changing or adding *any* new treatment protocols. This post may also contain affiliate links. It will cost you nothing to click on them. I will get a small referral fee from purchases you make, which helps with the maintenance of this blog. Read our* [***Privacy Policy***](https://achronicvoice.com/privacy-policy/)*page for more information. Thank you!*
## Modern Society's Portrayal of Disability & Sex
Sadly, the portrayal of good sex in society, or even any sex at all, rarely involves disabled people. How could a person who uses a wheelchair, walking stick or another form of mobility aid even have sex? How could a person with an invisible illness that causes chronic pain be even 'up to task'?
In this era of dating apps and quick swipes, options for sex partners are technically unlimited. One night stands are all too common, and even seen as a form of masculinity or independence.
[Pornography can also create unrealistic sexual expectations or fantasies](https://fightthenewdrug.org/porn-upgrades-what-a-consumer-finds-attractive/) (Fight the New Drug, n.d.-a). I am not disputing that these are bad or good things, but they do cultivate some faulty thinking in relation to sex and disability.
Pin to Your Sex, Relationship & Disability Boards:
Read Related Posts:
- [4 Everyday Scenarios We’re Not Sure How to be Polite About and Why](https://achronicvoice.com/everyday-scenarios-not-sure-polite/)
- [Why it Feels Like Suicide is an Option When You Live with Chronic Illness or Disability](https://achronicvoice.com/suicide-chronic-illness/)
- [What It Feels Like to be Suddenly Disabled](https://achronicvoice.com/suddenly-disabled/)
- [Loss of Identity with Chronic Illness & The Plot Twist: Sharpened Self-Worth](https://achronicvoice.com/loss-of-identity-chronic-illness/)
- [Would You Rather: Have an Invisible Illness or a Visible Disability?](https://achronicvoice.com/rather-have-invisible-illness-or-disability/)
## Myths & Associations to Disability & Sex
They perpetuate the [myth that disabled people are non sexual beings or asexual](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/feduc.2017.00046/full) (Shah, 2017). Or that they're not 'worth' wasting time or effort having sex with. Why should you, when the sea is full of able-bodied people who are ready to play?
Words that are often associated when people think about disability are (wheelchair) 'bound', 'restricted', 'limited', 'immobile', 'slow', 'weak', or some other negative connotation. Whereas sex is often seen as ‘wild’, ‘fun’, ‘vigorous’, ‘spontaneous’, ‘active’, ‘hearty’ and ‘requring lots of stamina’.
Pin to Your Disability, Sex & Stigma Boards:
## What Do We Really Know About Disability & What Accessibility Means?
Where is the overlap that matters most? The intimacy. The social, mental and emotional connections. The flourishing and nourishing of love. The communication and relational depth. The sort of human connections that deep down inside, we crave for the most.
According to Fight the New Drug (n.d.-b) (a great website for such topics, by the way!), an article titled “[The Percentage Of Sexless Twenty-Somethings Is Now A Record High, But Why?](https://fightthenewdrug.org/bad-sex-for-millennials/)”:
> "A disturbing amount of porn emphasizes dominance and violence, things that don’t have a place in a safe, consensual, and mutually satisfying relationship where sex is involved. There’s a lot more to sex than just the act of intercourse itself—things like trust, sharing, cuddling, intimacy, and love."
And if you do not live with a disability or chronic illness, what do you really know about a person's physical limitations? Yet society lumps them all into one group. An example is the fact that many restaurants and [public spaces claim to be accessibility friendly](https://www.forbes.com/sites/andrewpulrang/2020/01/03/4-ways-to-understand-the-diversity-of-the-disability-community/?sh=330daa253d3e), just because they have a ramp for wheelchairs (Pulrang, 2020). But not all disabled people need ramps or wheelchairs, and ramps are not a one-stop solution for accessibility.
I will not delve further as this is one gigantic topic of its own! But there are many great blogs written by disabled people that you can search for to learn more.
Read Related Posts:
- [How to Maximise Accessibility & Improve Your Quality of Life at Home](https://achronicvoice.com/maximise-accessibility-home/)
- [Tips & Tools to Help Regain Independence with a Disability or Chronic Illness](https://achronicvoice.com/regain-independence-disability-chronic-illness/)
- [Is Yoga Accessible for People with Chronic Illness?](https://achronicvoice.com/accessible-yoga-chronic-illness/)
- [12 Visible Evidence of a Body Gone Rogue (Is Invisible Illness Truly Invisible?)](https://achronicvoice.com/visible-evidence-invisible-illness/)
- [What’s It Like Going Back to School as an Adult with Disability and Chronic Illness](https://achronicvoice.com/going-back-to-school-as-an-adult-disability-chronic-illness/)
## It's Okay to Have a Thought by Instinct, But What You Act Upon After Matters Most
I wouldn't be surprised if a healthy person reconsiders any sort of relationship with a person, should they learn that they have a disability. A 'defect'. I experienced this first hand myself. It does take a different kind of commitment and understanding that not everyone is prepared or selfless enough for.
I wouldn't blame anyone for having this initial, reactive, instinctive thought, however. As human we have an innate wiring to survive and to propogate.
But as with any thought, it's what you act upon that matters. It's important to keep an open mind and to question our thoughts, as they [aren't always true or correct](https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/02/27/why-facts-dont-change-our-minds) (Kolbert, 2017).
How do you know that someone isn't a good sexual partner based on the mere fact that they have a disability? Have you asked their opinion or thoughts about it? Do you know their actual limitations and abilities? What you do really know about disability, if at all?
Pin to Your Self-Awareness & Quote Boards:
Read Related Posts:
- [Dating with Chronic Illness (and What I’ve Learned)](https://achronicvoice.com/dating-with-chronic-illness/)
- [7 Ways to Be a Better Friend to Someone with a Chronic Illness (and 3 Things You Should Never Do)](https://achronicvoice.com/better-friend-chronic-illness/)
- [How to be a Positive Thinker: Without the Unicorns & Rainbows](https://achronicvoice.com/positive-thinker-without-unicorns-rainbows/)
- [The Subtle Difference Between Saying “Think Positive” and “Stay Positive” to Someone with Chronic Pain](https://achronicvoice.com/difference-think-positive-stay-positive-chronic-pain/)
- [Today is Not a Good Day to Make Decisions (and That’s Okay)](https://achronicvoice.com/today-is-not-a-good-day/)
## Social, Physical & Sexual Needs as Any Human Being
To be human is to need connection on all levels, including social. In fact, [social pain and physical pain have a shared neural circuit](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.26599/BSA.2019.9050023) (Zhang et al., 2019). James Coan, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia, says, “[Humans have this dire need to connect](https://thepangean.com/The-Importance-of-Human-Connections). Our brains have learned from brutal evolutionary lessons that social isolation is a death sentence” (Chadha, 2020).
Physical connection is another human need. Whilst it's true that some chronic illnesses or disabilities can [trigger pain from touch](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/21570-allodynia) (Cleveland Clinic, 2024), that doesn't mean that these people have no desire for affection.
> "[Connection is not an exchange of information](https://www.proquest.com/openview/d009c00cede33e7656c7162d179c731c/1). It’s an exchange of humanity. It’s an exchange of emotion." - Sean Stephenson (Sánchez, 2023)
Whilst it may be oversimplified, the [five love languages](https://www.mic.com/p/do-love-languages-actually-matter-psychologists-weigh-in-18799908) provide a simple framework for "speaking your partner's language", with physical touch amongst them (Duncan, 2024). We all need this to varying degrees, whether abled or disabled. I've had abled partners who were on extreme ends of the spectrum, and showed their care and love in very different ways.
To add to that, a study by Meston and Buss (2007) identified [***237 distinct reasons*** as to why humans have and need sex](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-007-9175-2). This ranges from obvious or traditional reasons, such as emotional fulfilment, human instinct and duty, to more drastic causes such as revenge.
Pin to Your Humanity & Self-Awareness Boards:
## Formation of False Narratives Through Hyperconnectivity
Modern life is fast-paced, stressful and often worships a culture of busyness. This likely contributes to the [faulty and dangerous conclusion that disability is a burden](https://www.vice.com/en/article/xw78a7/we-need-to-stop-talking-about-disability-as-a-burden) in general (Leary, 2018).
The internet ensures hyperconnectivity, yet [miscommunication and false narratives have also escalated](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2018/04/17/concerns-about-the-future-of-peoples-well-being/) (Anderson & Rainie, 2018). The selective lens of social media, porn and advertising seep into our subconsciousness. It's almost brainwashing with the daily constant bombardment. In fact, one needs to make a real effort to break away from certain streams of thoughts after a while.
Pin to Your Society, Social Media & Awareness Boards:
## Good Communication is Key to Good Sex
I'm sure you know of relationships that have ended due to poor or miscommunication. This frequently happens outside of the bedroom, too. Good sex requires sensitivity, compromise, give and take. This is true whether you have a disability or not. Every relationship possesses its own beauty, and also its own set of problems. No matter who you are, or where you come from in the world.
Pin to Your Relationship & Communication Boards:
Read Related Posts:
- [How to Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Body (Even with Chronic Illness)](https://achronicvoice.com/healthy-relationship-with-body-chronic-illness/)
- [There’s No One Way to Live Your Life](https://achronicvoice.com/no-one-way-live-your-life/)
- [Life with Chronic Illness: Happiness & Pain Can Co-exist](https://achronicvoice.com/chronic-illness-happiness-and-pain/)
- [Why Self-Acceptance is Important When You Have a Chronic Illness](https://achronicvoice.com/self-acceptance-chronic-illness/)
- [365 Mindfulness Journaling Prompts for Self-Improvement](https://achronicvoice.com/365-mindfulness-journaling-prompts-for-self-improvement/)
## **The Importance of Sex & Disability Education**
It's important to take time to educate ourselves on disability. It might surprise you at how 'able' these people actually are in so many ways. Apart from research from reliable sources, the best way to learn is through disabled people themselves.
Ask if it's okay to ask, then ask if you get the green light. What sort of disability do they have? How does it impact their day to day life? What do they struggle with? What do they love to do and are passionate about?
Some things you'll have to discover on your own, but that's the magic of building any relationship. You might be surprised at what you fall in love with and [what they have to teach you](https://io9.gizmodo.com/what-disabled-people-can-teach-us-about-sex-and-why-w-1691916261) \- probably even in the bedroom (Quarmby, 2015).
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Pin to Your Disability & Sex Education Boards:
Read Related Posts:
- [How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationships with Chronic Illness](https://achronicvoice.com/healthy-boundaries-relationships-chronic-illness/)
- [Call Me Sick Girl (Or How to Make Your Weakness Your Strength)](https://achronicvoice.com/sick-girl-make-weakness-strength/)
- [4 Cool Truths My Partner Said (Unwittingly)](https://achronicvoice.com/cool-truths/)
- [What’s it Like to be a Caregiver for a Chronically Ill Loved One (The Challenges & Rewards)](https://achronicvoice.com/caregiver-chronically-ill-loved-one/)
Read More About Disabled People & Sex:
- [Disabled Fables & Things - sex blog by a disabled Asian woman](https://disabledfables.com/)
- [After A Lifetime Of Being Sidelined, People With Disabilities Are Reclaiming Their Sexuality (Lim, 2021)](https://www.ricemedia.co/culture-people-lifetime-sidelined-people-disabilities-reclaiming-sexuality/)
Pin to Your Disability & Sex Boards:
### References:
- Anderson, J., & Rainie, L. (2018, April 17). *3\. Concerns about the future of people’s well-being.* Pew Research Center.
- Chadha, A. S. (2020, August 14). *The importance of human connections, as told by the coronavirus.* The Pangean.
- Cleveland Clinic. (2024, July 10). *Allodynia.*
- Disabled Fables & Things. (n.d.). *The erotic missadventures of a captive libido.* Retrieved April 13, 2021, from
- Duncan, T. A. (2024, February 21). *Do love languages actually matter? Psychologists weigh in.* Mic.
- Fight the New Drug. (n.d.-a). *Expectations vs. reality: Why watching porn can change what you find attractive.* Retrieved 13 April 2021, from
- Fight the New Drug, F. the N. (n.d.-b). *The percentage of sexless twenty-somethings is now a record high, but why?* Retrieved 13 April 2021, from
- Hussein, J., & Ferguson, L. (2019). Eliminating stigma and discrimination in sexual and reproductive health care: A public health imperative. *Sexual and Reproductive Health Matters, 27*(3), 1–5\.
- Kolbert, E. (2017, February 19). *Why facts don’t change our minds.* The New Yorker.
- Leary, A. (2018, March 20). *We need to stop talking about disability as a burden.* VICE.
- Lim, L. (2021, March 25). *After a lifetime of being sidelined, people with disabilities are reclaiming their sexuality.* RICE.
- Meston, C. M., & Buss, D. M. (2007). Why humans have sex. *Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36*(4), 477–507\.
- Pulrang, A. (2020, January 3). *4 ways to understand the diversity of the disability community.* Forbes.
- Quarmby, K. (2015, March 17). *What disabled people can teach us about sex – and why we should listen.* Gizmodo.
- Sánchez, M. A. (2023). *Exploring the connection of childhood and adulthood attachments in first-generation latino relationships: A qualitative study* (Publication No. 30820274) \[Doctoral dissertation, The Chicago School of Professional Psychology\]. ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global.
- Shah, S. (2017). “Disabled people are sexual citizens too”: Supporting sexual identity, well-being, and safety for disabled young people. Frontiers in Education, 2(46). https://doi.org/10.3389/feduc.2017.00046 Zhang, M., Zhang, Y., & Kong, Y. (2019). Interaction between social pain and physical pain. *Brain Science Advances, 5*(4), 265–273\.
### Comments Archives:
Comments imported from previous WordPress site.
- Katie Clark Apr 18, 2021
I have thought about writing on the subject. I'm a bit too nervous, though. Sex raises dopamine, which improves mood and lessens pain. My husband and I have joked that whenever I have a headache, I need sex because it always clears it ;)
- [ Sheryl Chan ](https://achronicvoice.com/) Apr 8, 2022
You totally should, Katie! I'd really love to hear it from your perspective as someone who's older, has children and a grandkid, and more! Haha so true... sex truly is a painkiller, and a fun one at that!
- [ Claire ](https://throughthefibrofog.com) Apr 14, 2021
You approached this topic so thoughtfully Sheryl. It's so true that society has certain narratives around disability and sex that seem to be at odds with each other, yet that definitely doesn't need to be the case.
- [ Sheryl Chan ](https://achronicvoice.com/) Apr 15, 2021
Thank you Claire. I had wanted to write a short post about my guest post on Lustery, but it turned out into a topic of its own! Definitely needs more awareness around the topics of sex and disability, especially with the constant bombardment of false narratives on social media and even the news.
- [ Ellen Best ](https://ellenbest24.wordpress.com/) Apr 14, 2021
A tough subject handled so well. But in a world that thinks over sixty is too old for sex or intimacy, let alone an over sixty with a hidden illness still wanting sex... I am not seeing attitudes changing any time soon. I overheard a man say "She can't expect me to want her now she is soft and wrinkled, that is not what I married!" He was bald and rotund discussing his wife! It beggars belief. We can only hope our own partners have been taught better!
- [ Sheryl Chan ](https://achronicvoice.com/) Apr 15, 2021
Thank you Ellen! Yes it’s strange... why can’t older folks have sex or want it? And what a horrible thing for her husband to say — unbelievable!
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